Why You Keep Getting Triggered in Love (and How to Stop It)

Triggered in Love

Have you ever found yourself stuck in the same arguments or emotional spirals, even when all you want is for your relationship to work? You’re not alone. Sometimes, even when our hearts are all in, our subconscious minds start working against us.

That’s because we’re wired for survival, not connection.

I’ve gotten in my own way more times than I can count—especially in love. It’s not because I’m broken or bad, and neither are you. It’s because our biology is built to protect us when we feel threatened—whether that threat is real or perceived. The problem? Our nervous system doesn’t always know the difference.

And while that protective wiring is useful in life-or-death situations, it’s not helpful when you’re trying to build a thriving, connected relationship.

Why We Sabotage the Very Thing We Want

Healthy relationships require a shift from “me” to “we.” That means holding the awareness that it takes two imperfect humans to make a relationship work—and both bring their own wounds, histories, and coping strategies to the table.

Imagine this: Your partner walks in the door and doesn’t say hello. He’s on his phone. Instantly, your mind goes: He must not love me. I’m not important. I’m not lovable.

Down the rabbit hole you go. Welcome to the Victim Pit.

This spiral can feel so real and painful, but it’s being driven by a deeper insecurity—your button has been pushed. When that happens, we often drop into a protective “I” mode, focused only on defending our ego or avoiding pain. And guess what? When you're in that space, you're not in the relationship anymore—you're in survival mode.

Here’s the Truth: You’re Not Alone

Before you start pointing fingers at your partner, pause and ask yourself: When do I fall into that trap? Trap? Because you do. We all do. It’s part of being human.

Even if you’ve done healing work or know your emotional triggers, life has a way of surprising us. And sometimes, we fall into an old hole we thought we’d already filled.

How Your Past Shapes Your Present

If you’ve ever questioned your worth, lovability, or place in someone’s heart (and let’s be real—who hasn’t?), then chances are you’ve developed an insecurity button—what some refer to as a core wound.

These wounds were often formed in childhood when we had to become a certain way to feel safe, seen, or loved. But here’s the kicker: those strategies were created by your 5-year-old self. And that 5-year-old doesn’t know how to navigate an adult relationship.

So what happens? Your inner child reacts. Your partner’s inner child reacts. Suddenly you have two kids, in adult bodies, trying to handle an adult situation—and the emotional maturity that’s needed just isn’t there in the moment.

No wonder relationships feel hard.

How to Stop the Cycle

1. Recognize Your Triggers Start noticing what happens in your body when you feel angry, anxious, resentful, or shut down. These emotions are clues that one of your insecurity buttons has been activated.

2. Slow It Down Hit pause. Give yourself a time-out. Breathe. Journal. Whatever helps you regulate—do that. Writing things down helps your brain process what’s happening and gives you emotional space.

3. Get Curious, Not Critical Ask yourself: What button is being pushed here? Is it about feeling unloved, unseen, not safe? Safe? Then flip the wound into a need: I need to feel connected, safe, valued, free…How can I meet that need for myself first?

4. Take Loving Action Toward Yourself Meeting your need might look like going for a walk, practicing self-compassion, or speaking up with calm, loving boundaries.

5. Shift From “I” to “Us "Once grounded, share from your heart. Try: “Hey, I noticed I got triggered just now, and I think what came up for me was feeling unseen. Can we talk about it? "This moves you out of self-protection and back into connection.

   
   

When you’re grounded in yourself, you can co-create something meaningful with your partner. But when you’re stuck in reactivity, you sabotage the connection you deeply crave.

It’s time to stop letting your past define your future. Start showing up as your whole, wise self—not your inner 5-year-old. You can learn how to turn your insecurities into intimacy.

Ready to Heal the Patterns That Keep You Stuck?

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